Q - At a recent gig, someone said our singer was crap – should we get a new one?

A - Unfortunately, there will always be a cloth-eared, wannabe Simon Cowell, with some other agenda, in the audience. My advice would be yes, get a new gig. Or make your singer’s mum stay at home, if she can't behave.

Q - A lot of the younger groups on the telly, are playing instruments that are obviously older than the combined age of their rhythm sections. Is this really necessary?

A - It’s a mere affectation. It’s the rock equivalent of a violinist owning a Stradivarius. Can you tell it’s a ’63 Stratocaster by the time it’s gone through distortion and wah wah? Mind you, putting a Stradivarius through distortion and wah wah is worth a go, to see if you can make a violin sound decent.

Q - Our band was laughed at recently, when it was discovered we didn’t have a roll of gaffer tape between us. Should we get some?

A - Definitely. You can fix things with it, fix things to other things with it and tidy stage leads up with it. When you get older, you can mend your shed roof with it.

Q - Should we tell jokes between numbers, or stand about, looking pale and interesting?

A - Tricky one this. If you want to remain aloof and enigmatic then probably ‘no’ is the answer. I once saw a Miles Davis gig where every so often he reached behind the drum kit and chose a placard. This displayed the name of the person who had just done a solo. He never said a word all night. Kraftwerk, surprisingly, do not provide a stream of mother-in-law jokes at their shows. “Guten abend, Brixton” was their only audience acknowledgement. Ronnie Scott, on the other hand, was almost as well known for his gags as his sax playing. Peter Gabriel used to tell long rambling stories between songs. Though this was mainly to fill time, whilst the roadies gaffer-taped the PA system back together.
It can be useful to have a few ready, when your guitarist breaks a string, or your drummer needs a Jack Dash.

Q - Do we have to play the new songs? We reckon all the best riffs were written before 1974.

A - Entirely up to you squire. Decide who your target audience is and if you’re expecting somebody to pay you folding money for entertaining them, choose material accordingly. You could always change the style of a new song to fit your stuff. That way you can upset two bunches of people at the same time!

Q - How important are trousers onstage?
A - Even beyond the necessities of public decency, trousers are very important. The drainpipe, the loon pant, the flare, denim, leather, tartan bondage strides, the spandex or the cargo, have each allied themselves to a specific musical genre. Where would Axl Rose be if he had chosen velvet hipsters as his preferred keks? Jim Morrison in shorts? I don’t think so.

Q - Do you recommend getting lights for a band?
A - There are downsides – they cost money, you have to store them somewhere and it’s another thing to set up before a gig. On the other hand, they do make you look much more professional. LED ones are the definitely the ones to go for, but keep any spotlights off the heads of any follicly challenged members of the group. It can be distracting for an audience.

Q - I’ve been playing the guitar for many years and would like some advice on solos – how long should they be?
A - Whilst 5 seconds is the upper limit for drummers (It’s the law in some developing countries), most other instruments can drift away as the fancy takes them. Zappa once offered the opinion “Nobody loves a bass solo – keep it short.” His own sonic explorations though, could go on for many minutes. You decide.

Q - What’s the range of a bass guitar?
A - About 15 yards, if you’ve got a strong arm

Q - I’ve been wondering about getting a hat, since our band has no stage show as such – is this a good idea?
A - Only if your name is Jay Kay and your dancing and your brass section, is good enough to take people’s minds off the hat.

Q - Simple question -valves or trannies?
A - Always valves. You can meet up with the trannies after the gig.

Q - How do you sing and play at the same time?
A - It beats the hell out of me.

Q - How do you stop Katie Melua from drowning?
A - Take your foot off her head.

Q - What straps are best for gigging?
A - It shouldn’t matter, if you wear a sensible t-shirt over the top of them.

Q - What drinks do the band prefer onstage?
A - Complimentary drinks.

Q - What guitars do the band recommend?
A - For lead and rhythm, six string ones and for bass, four strings are more than adequate. If you need lower notes use a synth.